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And so, I thought I'd ask an expert, the lifeguard.
When I spoke to the woman doing the assessment, she got into the pool and proceeded to pick up my almost 5 year old son without even introducing herself or explaining to him what she was doing.
That's when the first red flag went up. People have this strange notion that because a child is a child they have different needs than adults do. What adult on earth would allow a total stranger to touch them and bring them into a giant body of water without a little get-to-know-you first?
Anyway, she took off his life jacket and held out her hands and told him to swim to her. (We haven't yet tried that, but I've wanted to, so I waited to see what happened). I am happy to report that he did it! He was able to keep his head above water and swim for maybe 5 seconds.
Next, as she held him, she said she was going to dunk him underwater. And then she did.
Because he didn't have time to think about it, he was surprised but not overly upset.
Then she said, "Now you're going to hold your breath for 3 seconds underwater."
(Uh oh, I thought, this is not going to go well)
He started to tear up and said he didn't want to do it. She said "I'm going to do it with you". (Remember he has no idea who she is, so I don't know why she thought that would have any sway with him).
Then he said, "I'm scared."
She said, with a giant smile, "We can do it."
Then he started to sob.
She didn't seem to mind, and to my surprise, was ready to just go ahead and hold him underwater for 3 seconds.
That's when the giant red flag went up and I took him and told her we would be stopping now.
She then proceeded to tell me, as I'm trying to calm my crying, frightened child, that he has to hold his breath for 3 seconds under water to enter the next level of lessons. If he can't, he would have to keep repeating the same level.
I was so angry. My internal monologue kept switching back and forth between: keep calm and yell at this terrible woman with no bedside manner.
I didn't yell. I let her tell me how her method of "forcing" kids to get over this fear is her tried and proven method. She told me that she could "tell" that my son would benefit from that method too.
And you know what? Maybe that force-it-philosophy works. In fact, I'm sure it does. Maybe some kids just need that little push and then they see that they really can do it.
But would if the reverse is true? What if that exposure to a fear that they are not yet ready to master pushes them back the other direction, towards a complete aversion to swimming?
I know from my own childhood that sometimes, forcing a child to face a fear when they are not ready does not guarantee they will overcome that fear. (I still have unfinished emotional business from my grade 3 speech. And yes, I'm aware that that sounds ridiculous).
I know my son. I've tried to "force" a few milestones with him. It didn't end well. And it didn't work either. Those few times I have tried to do things in my time, have actually been some of my worst parenting moments where I still recoil over the thought of it and wish I could do it over.
I also know so far, my son has come to do every single thing that I worried over, in his time. It may have taken longer than I wanted, but it did eventually happen, and without trauma occurring.
And hey! My son actually swam by himself today! That silly woman robbed us of a moment of actual achievement and celebration and instead, pushed us on to the next requirement! Why can't we focus on something that he did to, instead of something that he didn't?
So what am I saying? I guess, my biggest realization as a parent thus far is that each person on this planet is unique. When someone tells you there is one way to do something, they are wrong. As parents, and as people, I think it is so important to honour and respect our differences, and our limitations. And maybe, to not worry so much about when our children should be able to do something. I've learned from Louise Hay, that Should is a bad word, one that is charged with guilt and shame and blame.
Maybe that lifeguard is an expert on swimming. But I'm an expert on my son.
Right now, my son loves going to the arena to swim. He loves putting on his life jacket and kicking his heart out to race me to the other side of the pool. And I'd like to keep it that way.
He'll put his head under when he's ready.
