Listening to the "Experts"

I was at the pool today and decided to get my son assessed for swimming lessons.  The last lesson we did was a parent and child one, so I wasn't sure what level he should go in.

And so, I thought I'd ask an expert, the lifeguard.

When I spoke to the woman doing the assessment, she got into the pool and proceeded to pick up my almost 5 year old son without even introducing herself or explaining to him what she was doing.

That's when the first red flag went up. People have this strange notion that because a child is a child they have different needs than adults do. What adult on earth would allow a total stranger to touch them and bring them into a giant body of water without a little get-to-know-you first?

Anyway, she took off his life jacket and held out her hands and told him to swim to her. (We haven't yet tried that, but I've wanted to, so I waited to see what happened). I am happy to report that he did it! He was able to keep his head above water and swim for maybe 5 seconds.

Next, as she held him, she said she was going to dunk him underwater.  And then she did.
Because he didn't have time to think about it, he was surprised but not overly upset.
Then she said, "Now you're going to hold your breath for 3 seconds underwater."

(Uh oh, I thought, this is not going to go well)

He started to tear up and said he didn't want to do it. She said "I'm going to do it with you". (Remember he has no idea who she is, so I don't know why she thought that would have any sway with him).

Then he said, "I'm scared."
She said, with a giant smile, "We can do it."
Then he started to sob.
She didn't seem to mind, and to my surprise, was ready to just go ahead and hold him underwater for 3 seconds.
That's when the giant red flag went up and I took him and told her we would be stopping now.

She then proceeded to tell me, as I'm trying to calm my crying, frightened child, that he has to hold his breath for 3 seconds under water to enter the next level of lessons. If he can't, he would have to keep repeating the same level.


I was so angry. My internal monologue kept switching back and forth between: keep calm and yell at this terrible woman with no bedside manner. 

I didn't yell. I let her tell me how her method of "forcing" kids to get over this fear is her tried and proven method.  She told me that she could "tell" that my son would benefit from that method too.

And you know what? Maybe that force-it-philosophy works. In fact, I'm sure it does. Maybe some kids just need that little push and then they see that they really can do it.

But would if the reverse is true? What if that exposure to a fear that they are not yet ready to master  pushes them back the other direction, towards a complete aversion to swimming?

I know from my own childhood that sometimes, forcing a child to face a fear when they are not ready does not guarantee they will overcome that fear. (I still have unfinished emotional business from my grade 3 speech. And yes, I'm aware that that sounds ridiculous).

I know my son. I've tried to "force" a few milestones with him.  It didn't end well. And it didn't work either.  Those few times I have tried to do things in my time,  have actually been some of my worst parenting moments where I still recoil over the thought of it and wish I could do it over.

I also know so far, my son has come to do every single thing that I worried over, in his time.  It may have taken longer than I wanted, but it did eventually happen, and without trauma occurring.

And hey! My son actually swam by himself today! That silly woman robbed us of a moment of actual achievement and celebration and instead, pushed us on to the next requirement! Why can't we focus on something that he did to, instead of something that he didn't?

So what am I saying? I guess, my biggest realization as a parent thus far is that each person on this planet is unique. When someone tells you there is one way to do something, they are wrong. As parents, and as people, I think it is so important to honour and respect our differences, and our limitations. And maybe, to not worry so much about when our children should be able to do something.  I've learned from Louise Hay, that Should is a bad word, one that is charged with guilt and shame and blame.

Maybe that lifeguard is an expert on swimming. But I'm an expert on my son.

Right now, my son loves going to the arena to swim. He loves putting on his life jacket and kicking his heart out to race me to the other side of the pool. And I'd like to keep it that way.

He'll put his head under when he's ready.

Setting Screen Time Limits

I recently listened to an incredible podcast on parenting in the digital age, featuring Susan Stiffleman and Alanis Morissette. In a one hour conversation, two intelligent, conscious parents explored some great ideas about how to navigate screen time in a household.

I feel that this is such an important topic, so I'd like to share a bit about what I learned and offer some of my own thoughts too!

Currently, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommendation is that children under 2 should be limited to 30-60minutes of screen time,  and that children 2 and over should limit screen time to 2 hours per day. The lead author and committee member of the AAPs study on screen time, Dr. Brown, says, "technology moves faster than science can study it, so we are perpetually behind in our advice and our recommendations." (1)

This aspect of parenting is so new that there simply aren't any concrete answers out there. To me, that means parents have to really take this into their own hands, and hearts, and reflect on what they think is appropriate for their own children.

So first, let's explore the WHY.

Why Should we Limit Screen Time?

If we consciously choose appropriate, educational or creative options, limited screen time can be an important and even beneficial part of our well-roundedness as people living in a digital society. There are some amazing movies, shows, games, and documentaries out there!

But, countless studies confirm that too much screen time can be very detrimental to children's health. One neuroimaging study revealed that excessive (addictive) screen time physically damages gray matter, compromises white matter integrity, impairs cognitive functioning, and a lot of other scary stuff. (2)

What if your child isn't addicted? The same studies reports that even children with regular exposure demonstrate sensory overload, lack of restorative sleep, impulsiveness, and moodiness. (3)
Does any of that sound familiar in your household? I've certainly seen evidence of it in mine on occasion!

So, the next question is...

How can we Manage Screen Time?

1) The first thing we can do is get to know our child's unique temperament.  This is important because there are NO one-size-fits-all approaches to parenting. You need to understand your own child, and then determine what will work for them (and you!).

Are you parenting an introvert or an extrovert? A Thinker or a Feeler? Temperament (or Personality) plays a huge and vital role in how we focus, perceive, make decisions,and live our lives.

(If you aren't sure what personality type you are raising, do a google search, take a few quizzes and you'll find an answer! Everything is easier when you start to understand your child's personality type).

2) Once you know who you're "working" with, apply your findings.

Observe your child watching t.v or playing video games. Do they start to become irritable after 20 or 30 minutes? Do their eyes glaze over after 1 hour? Does your introvert become unresponsive to your questions at a certain point? Or maybe they enjoy that solitude after a long day of school? Maybe your thrill seeking child actually becomes satiated for once!

Notice what works for your unique child and then set a reasonable limit. Be as consistent as possible so they know what to expect and can adapt easily.

Use a timer to help you and your child stay on target. We employed that technique when we noticed our son having a melt down every time we wanted him to stop playing Minecraft. Now we set a timer and give him a 5 minute warning. After that very simple fix, meltdowns just stopped happening!

3) Stick to age-appropriate choices. That's pretty self explanatory.

4) Watch TV with your Children.

I don't mean ALL the time, don't worry! But, it's amazing the kind of questions that my son will ask about what he's watching if I sit with him. That creates an important dialogue about things he may not have understood if I wasn't there.  Using commentary and interjections during viewing also ensures that kids stay connected to the real-world by interrupting the passive aspect of watching TV.

5) Model the behaviour you want to see.

If you want your kids to limit their screen time, you need to limit yours too :)

If you want them to play more or use their imaginations, show them how by engaging in games and tom-foolery!

Show them all the things you can do without TV or computers. Read. Sing. Play an instrument. Sew. Bake. Cook. Do yoga. Clean. Play board games. Puzzles. Practise your cursive writing (maybe that's just me). Build a fort. Go outside. Listen to birds. Track a neighbourhood cat. The possibilities are as endless as your imagination.

In our house, we do Screen-Free-Saturday's.  For the whole day, no one watches TV or goes on the computer.   We play, we work and we spend as much time outside as possible!

I love watching my husband and son working meditatively on a puzzle at the kitchen table. It's the best. I kind of wish every day could be Saturday, but, also, I know there is value in certain aspects of media and also, I need some time to myself on occasion. Screens work really well at providing parents with a little break when there's no one else to step in and help. I don't really like that that's true. But, it is. For now.

Which brings me to the last point.

6) Be gentle with yourself.

You aren't perfect. And you have needs. And, you're doing the best that you can.  When you make a mistake or have some new insight, move right along and tell yourself gently, the way is forward!

Carve out your space and take your well-earned breaks, and try not to feel guilty about it.

These aren't definitive answers. There aren't definitive answers. Just keep moving in the direction of goodness and things will work out.








(1) Pediatricians rethink screen time for children, The Wall Street Journal, October 2015
(2) Gray Matters: Too much screen time damages the brain, Psychology Today, February 2014
(3) Keeping an eye on screen time, Harvard Gazette, September 2015.

Making Amends

"The source of everything, is in our eyes.

I see the good in yours, seeing the good in mine."

~Sarah Slean

Sometimes, in my quest to be a good parent, I make a mistake.
Sometimes, in spite of all that I know, I do or say the wrong thing to my children.

I know the moment is coming before it even happens, I feel my patience thinning, for whatever reason, and instead of lovingly responding to my child, I do that ugly, reactive thing instead.

Those moments are so unpleasant! But, after I am able to collect my true self, I realize that I need to make amends. The benefits of apologizing to your child are numerous; it let's them know that you aren't perfect (which they sometimes believe in childhood), it teaches them conflict resolution, loving communication, and so on.

But here's the really amazing thing about apologizing to your child; they always forgive you.

Completely.

When I look into my son's eyes, hold him close, and say "I'm sorry that I...," he says, with such love and understanding, "That's okay."

I can't really explain what a gift that can be to a parent, who is really trying their best, but occasionally makes a mistake! When I think of the unconditional love that children have for their parents, it almost hurts me.  I feel it is such an honour to possess that love, and that we also need to be very careful with these little vulnerable beings who are so forgiving.

I have also learned something else from these exchanges with my children; I deserve forgiveness.

Even though I don't necessarily believe that all of the time, I am learning that everyone does make mistakes for myriad reasons, and that if we are sorry and try to make improvements, we do deserve forgiveness.  However, that forgiveness must also come from within (that's the really hard part!).

If your child can look at you, and really see you, the real you, and give you forgiveness, than surely you can give that gift to yourself as well.

We are always trying to teach our children right from wrong, with the goal of raising good people. That's a great goal isn't it? But there's a little room in there for us parents too! We can become better, to ourselves and our children.