Listening to the "Experts"

I was at the pool today and decided to get my son assessed for swimming lessons.  The last lesson we did was a parent and child one, so I wasn't sure what level he should go in.

And so, I thought I'd ask an expert, the lifeguard.

When I spoke to the woman doing the assessment, she got into the pool and proceeded to pick up my almost 5 year old son without even introducing herself or explaining to him what she was doing.

That's when the first red flag went up. People have this strange notion that because a child is a child they have different needs than adults do. What adult on earth would allow a total stranger to touch them and bring them into a giant body of water without a little get-to-know-you first?

Anyway, she took off his life jacket and held out her hands and told him to swim to her. (We haven't yet tried that, but I've wanted to, so I waited to see what happened). I am happy to report that he did it! He was able to keep his head above water and swim for maybe 5 seconds.

Next, as she held him, she said she was going to dunk him underwater.  And then she did.
Because he didn't have time to think about it, he was surprised but not overly upset.
Then she said, "Now you're going to hold your breath for 3 seconds underwater."

(Uh oh, I thought, this is not going to go well)

He started to tear up and said he didn't want to do it. She said "I'm going to do it with you". (Remember he has no idea who she is, so I don't know why she thought that would have any sway with him).

Then he said, "I'm scared."
She said, with a giant smile, "We can do it."
Then he started to sob.
She didn't seem to mind, and to my surprise, was ready to just go ahead and hold him underwater for 3 seconds.
That's when the giant red flag went up and I took him and told her we would be stopping now.

She then proceeded to tell me, as I'm trying to calm my crying, frightened child, that he has to hold his breath for 3 seconds under water to enter the next level of lessons. If he can't, he would have to keep repeating the same level.


I was so angry. My internal monologue kept switching back and forth between: keep calm and yell at this terrible woman with no bedside manner. 

I didn't yell. I let her tell me how her method of "forcing" kids to get over this fear is her tried and proven method.  She told me that she could "tell" that my son would benefit from that method too.

And you know what? Maybe that force-it-philosophy works. In fact, I'm sure it does. Maybe some kids just need that little push and then they see that they really can do it.

But would if the reverse is true? What if that exposure to a fear that they are not yet ready to master  pushes them back the other direction, towards a complete aversion to swimming?

I know from my own childhood that sometimes, forcing a child to face a fear when they are not ready does not guarantee they will overcome that fear. (I still have unfinished emotional business from my grade 3 speech. And yes, I'm aware that that sounds ridiculous).

I know my son. I've tried to "force" a few milestones with him.  It didn't end well. And it didn't work either.  Those few times I have tried to do things in my time,  have actually been some of my worst parenting moments where I still recoil over the thought of it and wish I could do it over.

I also know so far, my son has come to do every single thing that I worried over, in his time.  It may have taken longer than I wanted, but it did eventually happen, and without trauma occurring.

And hey! My son actually swam by himself today! That silly woman robbed us of a moment of actual achievement and celebration and instead, pushed us on to the next requirement! Why can't we focus on something that he did to, instead of something that he didn't?

So what am I saying? I guess, my biggest realization as a parent thus far is that each person on this planet is unique. When someone tells you there is one way to do something, they are wrong. As parents, and as people, I think it is so important to honour and respect our differences, and our limitations. And maybe, to not worry so much about when our children should be able to do something.  I've learned from Louise Hay, that Should is a bad word, one that is charged with guilt and shame and blame.

Maybe that lifeguard is an expert on swimming. But I'm an expert on my son.

Right now, my son loves going to the arena to swim. He loves putting on his life jacket and kicking his heart out to race me to the other side of the pool. And I'd like to keep it that way.

He'll put his head under when he's ready.

Setting Screen Time Limits

I recently listened to an incredible podcast on parenting in the digital age, featuring Susan Stiffleman and Alanis Morissette. In a one hour conversation, two intelligent, conscious parents explored some great ideas about how to navigate screen time in a household.

I feel that this is such an important topic, so I'd like to share a bit about what I learned and offer some of my own thoughts too!

Currently, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommendation is that children under 2 should be limited to 30-60minutes of screen time,  and that children 2 and over should limit screen time to 2 hours per day. The lead author and committee member of the AAPs study on screen time, Dr. Brown, says, "technology moves faster than science can study it, so we are perpetually behind in our advice and our recommendations." (1)

This aspect of parenting is so new that there simply aren't any concrete answers out there. To me, that means parents have to really take this into their own hands, and hearts, and reflect on what they think is appropriate for their own children.

So first, let's explore the WHY.

Why Should we Limit Screen Time?

If we consciously choose appropriate, educational or creative options, limited screen time can be an important and even beneficial part of our well-roundedness as people living in a digital society. There are some amazing movies, shows, games, and documentaries out there!

But, countless studies confirm that too much screen time can be very detrimental to children's health. One neuroimaging study revealed that excessive (addictive) screen time physically damages gray matter, compromises white matter integrity, impairs cognitive functioning, and a lot of other scary stuff. (2)

What if your child isn't addicted? The same studies reports that even children with regular exposure demonstrate sensory overload, lack of restorative sleep, impulsiveness, and moodiness. (3)
Does any of that sound familiar in your household? I've certainly seen evidence of it in mine on occasion!

So, the next question is...

How can we Manage Screen Time?

1) The first thing we can do is get to know our child's unique temperament.  This is important because there are NO one-size-fits-all approaches to parenting. You need to understand your own child, and then determine what will work for them (and you!).

Are you parenting an introvert or an extrovert? A Thinker or a Feeler? Temperament (or Personality) plays a huge and vital role in how we focus, perceive, make decisions,and live our lives.

(If you aren't sure what personality type you are raising, do a google search, take a few quizzes and you'll find an answer! Everything is easier when you start to understand your child's personality type).

2) Once you know who you're "working" with, apply your findings.

Observe your child watching t.v or playing video games. Do they start to become irritable after 20 or 30 minutes? Do their eyes glaze over after 1 hour? Does your introvert become unresponsive to your questions at a certain point? Or maybe they enjoy that solitude after a long day of school? Maybe your thrill seeking child actually becomes satiated for once!

Notice what works for your unique child and then set a reasonable limit. Be as consistent as possible so they know what to expect and can adapt easily.

Use a timer to help you and your child stay on target. We employed that technique when we noticed our son having a melt down every time we wanted him to stop playing Minecraft. Now we set a timer and give him a 5 minute warning. After that very simple fix, meltdowns just stopped happening!

3) Stick to age-appropriate choices. That's pretty self explanatory.

4) Watch TV with your Children.

I don't mean ALL the time, don't worry! But, it's amazing the kind of questions that my son will ask about what he's watching if I sit with him. That creates an important dialogue about things he may not have understood if I wasn't there.  Using commentary and interjections during viewing also ensures that kids stay connected to the real-world by interrupting the passive aspect of watching TV.

5) Model the behaviour you want to see.

If you want your kids to limit their screen time, you need to limit yours too :)

If you want them to play more or use their imaginations, show them how by engaging in games and tom-foolery!

Show them all the things you can do without TV or computers. Read. Sing. Play an instrument. Sew. Bake. Cook. Do yoga. Clean. Play board games. Puzzles. Practise your cursive writing (maybe that's just me). Build a fort. Go outside. Listen to birds. Track a neighbourhood cat. The possibilities are as endless as your imagination.

In our house, we do Screen-Free-Saturday's.  For the whole day, no one watches TV or goes on the computer.   We play, we work and we spend as much time outside as possible!

I love watching my husband and son working meditatively on a puzzle at the kitchen table. It's the best. I kind of wish every day could be Saturday, but, also, I know there is value in certain aspects of media and also, I need some time to myself on occasion. Screens work really well at providing parents with a little break when there's no one else to step in and help. I don't really like that that's true. But, it is. For now.

Which brings me to the last point.

6) Be gentle with yourself.

You aren't perfect. And you have needs. And, you're doing the best that you can.  When you make a mistake or have some new insight, move right along and tell yourself gently, the way is forward!

Carve out your space and take your well-earned breaks, and try not to feel guilty about it.

These aren't definitive answers. There aren't definitive answers. Just keep moving in the direction of goodness and things will work out.








(1) Pediatricians rethink screen time for children, The Wall Street Journal, October 2015
(2) Gray Matters: Too much screen time damages the brain, Psychology Today, February 2014
(3) Keeping an eye on screen time, Harvard Gazette, September 2015.

Best Baby Carrier Ever!

Now that my youngest child is two, our baby carrier is sadly on its way to being obsolete, BUT, I still love it so much! This carrier has helped me in so many ways and I do feel it is the best piece of baby equipment we have ever bought.

Why I love the Beco Baby Carrier

We purchased a few of the more inexpensive carriers with our first child, and let me tell you, they were very uncomfortable! My back would be sore, my baby would be leaning in a strange position, and we would ultimately end up taking it off in frustration.

When my daughter was born, we splurged a bit more on the Beco and it was soooo worth it:

• The thick padding makes it supportive and comfortable, even after wearing it for over 2 hours! 
• It is easy to adjust with one hand
• It is very light weight and easy to wash
• You can  wear your baby in 4 different carrying positions which is pretty versatile
• My daughter has fallen asleep in it a million times. Plus, it's super cute :)

We all know that babies are much happier when you hold them. That's just the way it is! Using the Beco has allowed me to be hands free when I really needed to make dinner AND hold a crying baby (who, for the record, always stopped crying when she was in the baby carrier!)

It has also allowed me to go in to stores without lugging around an awkward, back-breaking infant car seat, OR, bust out my stroller which never seems to fit into any of the stores I ever go into!

I even wore my daughter in the carrier when I was in dance rehearsals, and she was so calm and relaxed in it. (for the record, she does have clothes on in this picture!)

Even today, we still use the carrier for longer hikes, so I'm not ready to give it up yet! I keep it in the trunk of my car just in case we need it.

If you aren't familiar with the benefits of baby wearing, check out my previous article here.

Happy Baby Wearing!

Making Amends

"The source of everything, is in our eyes.

I see the good in yours, seeing the good in mine."

~Sarah Slean

Sometimes, in my quest to be a good parent, I make a mistake.
Sometimes, in spite of all that I know, I do or say the wrong thing to my children.

I know the moment is coming before it even happens, I feel my patience thinning, for whatever reason, and instead of lovingly responding to my child, I do that ugly, reactive thing instead.

Those moments are so unpleasant! But, after I am able to collect my true self, I realize that I need to make amends. The benefits of apologizing to your child are numerous; it let's them know that you aren't perfect (which they sometimes believe in childhood), it teaches them conflict resolution, loving communication, and so on.

But here's the really amazing thing about apologizing to your child; they always forgive you.

Completely.

When I look into my son's eyes, hold him close, and say "I'm sorry that I...," he says, with such love and understanding, "That's okay."

I can't really explain what a gift that can be to a parent, who is really trying their best, but occasionally makes a mistake! When I think of the unconditional love that children have for their parents, it almost hurts me.  I feel it is such an honour to possess that love, and that we also need to be very careful with these little vulnerable beings who are so forgiving.

I have also learned something else from these exchanges with my children; I deserve forgiveness.

Even though I don't necessarily believe that all of the time, I am learning that everyone does make mistakes for myriad reasons, and that if we are sorry and try to make improvements, we do deserve forgiveness.  However, that forgiveness must also come from within (that's the really hard part!).

If your child can look at you, and really see you, the real you, and give you forgiveness, than surely you can give that gift to yourself as well.

We are always trying to teach our children right from wrong, with the goal of raising good people. That's a great goal isn't it? But there's a little room in there for us parents too! We can become better, to ourselves and our children.

4 Secrets of a Happy Mama

We seem to be in a new age of consciousness when it comes to raising our kids.  

We read countless books on the subject of parenting.  We try to prepare the most nutritious foods. We comfort, play, and teach. We schedule activities. We put aside money in RESPs. 

We endlessly discuss choices, ideas, and ways to improve the lives of our children.

This just might be the best time in history to be a child. And that is a pretty wonderful thing.

But let's not forget, that as parents, we too are children of this vast universe. And we need to be cared for with the same love and generosity.

It's a gift that you have to give to yourself over and over, in order to be the best possible version of  that incomparable you. 

In my experience, these 4 things have made the most positive and lasting contribution to my happiness. 

They take time and consistent effort, but without them, I become irritable, exhausted, and impatient.  With them, I am a source of energy, compassion, and  creativity. Which would you like to be?

1) MEDITATION:

Did you know the average person has approximately 40,000 thoughts per day. Our minds are constantly racing, attempting to arrange the pieces of this never-ending puzzle we call life. We need relief from this deluge.

Meditation can be as simple as reading a book intently, weeding your garden, or repeating a sanskrit phrase for 10 minutes. Whatever form you choose, allow yourself a small space each day where you are more than just a series of thoughts. Allow yourself to just be in the moment.

If you're unsure where to start, I found  The Chopra Center's 21 Day Meditation challenge to be a pretty life altering introduction to meditation. After a few days, I began to crave that time where I could be free from my meandering, somewhat anxious thoughts, and feel profoundly grounded.

2) SLEEP

Yes Sleep. It's a biggie. A chronic  lack of sufficient sleep has been associated with: high blood pressure, diabetes, decrease in sex drive, decrease in long-term memory, increase in obesity, increase in depression and anxiety, and much, much more. (1)

We may not be able to get our perfect 8 hours a night every night, because let's face it, occasionally our children need us during those precious sleeping hours.But, we can avoid staying up late trying to catch up on things we think we should do. Laundry. Dishes. The latest episode of Sunny. Whatever it is, ask yourself if it can wait until tomorrow. For the sake of your health. 

3) PERSONAL CARE:

Now, I have a fairly relaxed approach to style and fashion. I rarely wear makeup. But I very much admire (and secretly long to be) a well-put together woman.

I read recently that you should wash your hair the day before you really need to, and that has seriously (and sadly) stuck with me. I always feel kind of amazing after I put in the effort to wash and style my hair. But, the prospect of doing so always makes me put it off for another day when I have more time. 

But time, my friends, is very elusive. 

So, I urge you to seize the day and take that extra time to do whatever it is that makes you feel kind of amazing. Isn't it so much nicer to look in the mirror and say "Wow!" instead of "Whoa!".  Think about it.

4) EXERCISE:

This one is a win win.

When you exercise, you, a) feel more energetic and b) are healthier, and therefore, look better!

I know the list of reasons why you don't have time to work out is long...but...the benefits are so extraordinary that you've got to dismiss the list! The dishes can wait. So can the laundry. Your health comes first.

A recent study has proposed that exercising for as little as 15 minutes a day can increase your life expectancy by three years! (2)  Exercising has also proven to improve your mood, sex drive, and sleep, as well as prevent and manage a vast range of health problems.(3)

As mother's, we need our energy levels to be at maximum, and the ONLY way to do that is to be active (and of course, sleep). My cousin once said, "the hardest part of working out is putting on your shoes." And it's true. 

Once you get those shoes on and commit to your workout, it's all downhill! The energy you receive from expending energy (sounds counterintuitive) is its own reward.

You may have to experiment a little to find out what kind of a schedule and practise work for you. I, for instance, am having a love affair with an at-home yoga practise from my online gaia subscription.

I only workout for 20-30 minutes but I choose programs that make every minute count. I also do an awesome dance class once a week (taught by my amazing friend!) and that brings me so much joy!

Maybe you like to sweat it out on the treadmill or shake your butt in Zumba. Whatever works for you is what works! Don't get too caught up by what you should do or how much time you should work out. It has to fit into your regular life or you won't do it.  And you must do it!

Remember, it's a lot easier to give when you have a reserve to draw from. So make sure your inner well is always full. Your children will thank you for it!


Sources:

(1) http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/excessive-sleepiness-10/10-results-sleep-loss
(2) /lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736%2811%2960749-6/abstract
(3)http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/exercise/HQ01676